Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
