you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
