If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
