we have pet lesbian snakes
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
