All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
