glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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