He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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