There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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