Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
