I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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