My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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