The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
