I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
