i was rollin on her like bob the builder
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
