I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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