My boss' voice literally gives me gas
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
