Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
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Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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