No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
