your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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