id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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