I want you more than these girls want KFC
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
