My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
