Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
