Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
