I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
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Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
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My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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