Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
