I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
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