Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
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