I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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