i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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