why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Randomize
