Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
You made out with two different species that night
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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