don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize
