Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
