I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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