I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
