so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
