her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
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The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
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I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
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