Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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