speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
