she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Randomize
