a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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