So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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