Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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