Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Randomize
