so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Randomize
