1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
