you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
