My room smells like vodka and shame
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
