i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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