...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Also, beer. Big fan.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
